Experiment on initiating intentional good for others and not feeling crazy awkward at conferences.
At the end of August this year, I came back home from the last conference I attended for the year, and noticed that compared to other years, I felt more comfortable and not as socially awkward! What changed? but most importantly, how can this help others?
More familiar with the context
One obvious thing I know is that before the start of this year, I have been to at least ten international training events and conferences because of my funding! That’s a lot of extra exposure that is non-trivial. I am absolutely grateful for it! That allowed me to get used to the extra mental load that a lot of PhDs didn’t know before: the packing, the travel planning, the documents you need, the not-speaking-the-language-abroad alongside the google-maps navigation, public-transport-exploration, does-my-local-internet-provider-also-have-service-in-that-country, even including how-to-plan-for-my-meals-if-the-conference-doesn’t-include-it. The exposure I gained allowed me to figure out what information to take in and what to leave when I travel, which gave me more space to get ready for social interactions once I arrive at the conference.
On top of that, I have learned about the typical format of conferences, how people might behave, what I can expect from different venues (including the fact that I usually need to identify the corners and nooks to withdraw to once my introvert heart is overwhelmed). All the experience absolutely helps.
I guess what I’m saying here is: there are a lot of side mental loads that comes with international conferences. Being familiar with what to expect helps, but it takes getting used to. So it is okay if we didn’t figure that out from the get go. If I count the numbers of time when I end up being late or not able to even be there at the venue because of these issues, I will just weep all night from shame and frustration.
That being said, we can definitely ask for practical hints from either the conference organizers, colleagues, and so on, to prepare us and be ready for a conference. And once you’ve learned more, do share with others! It really is valuable knowledge. And even so, there will be hiccups along the way, and it is good practice to pick ourselves up and remind all of us that we are just learning how to do this and that’s worthwhile.
Golden rule experiment: do onto others as you would have them do unto you
Aside from the practicalities, I do notice a shift of perspective. When I was reflecting on what I want to gain out of a conference, I noticed a pattern: it’s mainly about me, myself, and I. I want to get feedback, I want people to notice the impact of my work, I want to get acknowledged for my hard work.. and although there is nothing wrong with that, I realized that it’s funny that I’m only waiting to receive from others. It tickles me when I listened to one of my current favorite bands, Pomplamoose, describe the situation: “be better at listening, you’re not that interesting” (lol) and that song just slaps.
But I guess what’s been kicking in more than before is the reflections I got to have on the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” – if I want others to listen to me, am I willing to also spend time to listen to them? or do I have the attitude that speaks “I am just better than everyone else, I will talk about me and nothing else”? How come I expect something good if I am not even willing to give it out?
It’s not nice to realize how self-centered I can be, but that helped in shaking me to reality: I remember vividly that it was so nice to receive others’ attention and feedback, and it’s so valuable to realize that people actually care and listen to what you have to say, and that they are willing to learn from me. In that sense, I am absolutely capable of giving the same experience to others just by being present, engage, and genuinely get to know them and their work.
Do you realize the power of influence that we all have on each other?
I realized that I want to be in a work context where I get appreciated, I feel safe, and where everyone can grow together. So I should behave aligning to that – it should start with me believing and doing it in a way to show that it is the case.
So I started to experiment by paying attention and actually asking questions, including the stupid ones during sessions. If it’s too intimidatin during the sessions, I try to approach the speakers one on one. And some of that actually led to the most interesting and satisfying conversations. And guess what? I don’t feel as awkward anymore. And when it was time for me to present, the new friends I made along the way were there, and asked me questions. Very good ones. Even pointed me to very helpful materials and whatnot.
Caveats
I know that there will always be people with whom conversations will be more difficult. Even my approach can be interpreted wrongly by others too. But I realized that this perspective helps me to be more at ease, and leave myself feeling way more fulfilled and not awkward in these settings.
My closing is this: I don’t have this figured out fully either. That’s why I call this an experiment: what if I forget myself, and consider others more?
What I’ve seen so far is that it had given me such a better sense of purpose, and left me feeling significantly less awkward. Have you tried it out yourself? or perhaps you’ve tried other tips like the pacman rule or the n-a-day rule if you’re more senior? I am absolutely eager to hear: how was it for you? and if you’ve never heard of this before, here’s an open invitation for you to try it and let the rest of us know how it goes!
Special shout-outs to all the new friends I get to meet and connect with throughout the summer: the cool people I met through GVERSITY conference, the girls gang in gender and STEM conference, and the awesome researchers I get to know in ICM, whose work inspire me a lot. You know who you are (even if you’re not in the pictures)! Thank you for sharing your time with me – whether our conversations happened over meals, coffee, drinks, or even just while walking, on the public transport, or toilet breaks. They have been so encouraging and enjoyable. I hope you know that I’m serious when I said “let’s keep in touch” (not in a creepy way, lol)! I’m rooting for all of you! Excited to see each other again and see how far we’ve come in the near future! In the mean time, I’ll chill in my cave until it’s time to resurface. Peace!
